Alone

In all my years I do not think I have been as alone as I am
at this moment in time, here by myself again while everyone else is asleep I’m
just sat waiting till the morning for the others to get up, the joys of not
sleeping at night, or not going out with one of the girls.

I’m happy to wait for them all to get up because the need
sleep witch unlike myself I can survive without sleep and speed the time
working rather than being laid in bed or sat on the end of it. Truthful I would
rather be laid in bed with “le patron” being laid there with her is the best
places I could ever be. But it’s not often I get the time just watch the world
go by and its some of the most well worth the time I’ve spent with her and that
I would happily do it again.

I’m not jellies of her and her having a boyfriend but
everyone knows that he is not right for her she is my best friend and we have
been more on and off over the years. But he just uses her to run him around and
just for sex, instead of keeping promises that she has made to her friends just
to keep him happy. I know that she loves him and she does it because she loves
him and wants to keep him happy and not to lose him. At the end of the day I’m
happy for her because she is happy witch at the end of the day is the most
important thing, all because she is the most important thing to me and I will
always stand by her no matter what happens.

Just being here and now weighting this reminds me how little
love, care or affection people show me the outcast who is unloved and left out
in the cold by everyone, even by those who say they love me but do they or are
they just saying that to get what they want from me or is it just there way of
showing me that they love me? If it is then it’s quite a warped way of doing it
even by my standards and that’s saying a lot or am I just hopping that someone
loves me.

Sorry about talking so long to post again and then not posting
it straight away but I have been busy and away from the computer for a bit.
Also I must apologies for not expanding on the idea of the queen of my heart
but hopefully I will in my next report.

Till later I will see you on the battlefield.

Time is an illusion, lunchtime bubbly so and the time I spend with you more so.

How so much has changed over the course of a year. At about
the time I am writing this now about this time last year I was chatting to one
of the best girls I have ever. Oh how times have changed we still chat and
stuff but how time has changed.

Now this year “le patron” me and her both have seen how the
world is to change and how it has for us both, even though we both walk a similar
path to one another time seems to have taken a drastic toll on me more than
her, with every hour I’m with you it seems like a second.

I wish these times we spend together would never end, but
everything must end in the end as zero must be re set back to zero or it will
all start again but it all starting again is not what we all want to happen as
this could prove bad for us all.

But now in these small hours some two or so hours after I started
typing this I sit and wait for the sun to rise over the trees just to say it’s
a new day now. With this new day I will return to where I have come from back
to a places where I don’t know who is friend or who is foe. The places where
another is someone who has had such an impact on my life almost as much as “le
patron”. Someone who we sit together all the time chat and just enjoy each
other’s company and every now and then do a bit of work together, someone who I
want to tell all but fear how she will take it.

Hear we both have sat and just eat ben & jerries’
together or watch a film together and just watch the hours fly past us and note
that the world does not see us anything big but just as ants. Yet we are more
than ants or so I hope, I hope we will be greater than that, yet ants make ant
hills and you are my queen.

She is the queen of my heart but this is an idea I’ll expand
on in my next report.

Till later I will see you on the battlefield.

P.S. I know that its not in the middle of the nite i'm posting this but i fell asleep before i could post it so i'm posting it now. enjoy.

A path to the dark side.

Happy new year all and I wish you all a very profitable and
productive year, I will not at least in this post write about what new year’s resolutions
I have made, but I will cover new and old topics, I hope you find it interesting
reading.

I return briefly to an idea I have spoken about before, good
and evil or the light side and the dark side these are both just points. I have
a feeling that over the past few days I have slipped from my view of the light
more to my own view of the dark. It has been a journey that has not been one
that has been nice.

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering. Grand Master
of the Jedi Order, Yoda, Star Wars. This teaching tells us much; the philosophy
is true behind it as we all sometimes take these small steps down this path.

First step to the dark side: Fear.

I live in fear that I will not find someone to love and that they
will love me back in the same way, the fear of living alone and being alone is
hard for me when all of my close friends are now in relationships, engaged to
be married or married. It is the one thing that I hope to have happen for
myself. We all live in fear of something in our hearts but it is then it is replaced
by anger.

Second step to dark side: Anger.

The anger that fuelled from my fear of not having one to love or
the fact that you are angry with yourself because you cannot find the love that
you are looking for but least of all you are angry because you have fail not
the ones you love but yourself. Then all that is left is the hatred that you
create of yourself because you’re so angry with yourself.

Third step to dark side: Hate.

I hate much in this life but the hate I have most is for myself as
it what has caused most of everything that has happened. But the hate is the
one thing that eats us all from the inside unless we all know how to stop it
and if it succeeds then all there is suffering.

The final step to the dark side: Suffering.

In the end I have just ended up hurting myself and the pain is
just bearable it is the last barrier that stops me from losing myself forever
and becoming something that I was once but now am much better than that. With all
these steps complete one would be one with the dark side if only it was less
than an idea or a point of view.

From the loss of the one I love and then from everything else that
has happened lead me to the fear of living without her or without anyone. There
is then the anger that fuels from such loneliness and how prosthetic you feel
from it. Witches create hatred that leads you down a self-destructive path that
leads you only to suffering from the loss of everything you have loss because of
her and because of yourself.

I am a gentleman.
Also contrary to common option I am a nice person.

What I have made my new year’s resolutions and such will be ideas I
will expand on in my next report.

 

Till later I’ll see you on the battlefield.